Close Call

medicalpm

I had a pretty intense, crappy situation happen recently to someone very important to me, and the occurrence of which also impacted me (but not as severely). I can’t share much, because it’s private matter, and does not belong on the internet. I swear I’m not trying to be a drama hound.  When I was processing the situation, I was unable to grieve. I was in “fix it” mode, but I usually still feel all the feels.

I have a lot of close calls, and as a result, I sleep poorly and am hypervigilant. I am gaining weight and losing hair. I had 2 black eyes at work on Friday, which I thought was from Paloma kicking me, but more likely is from sleep debt, as I recall only getting kicked on one side.

I pray, ceaselessly.I pray with a mouthful of terror. I pray with desperation, as if stranded on a desert island. I pray robotically. I pray “helphelphelp” and “thankyouthankyouthankyou” through tears. I pray thanksgiving for the wonders of creation, for mountains and photosynthesis and water.

And sometimes, I don’t pray at all, for weeks.

Brushes with tragedy can leave scars, and are evidence of their power. However, I am living, and will continue to do so. I will continue to be exposed to the elements and lurking beasts. I will risk being fully alive, because I don’t want to be an empty cicada’s exoskeleton where a man once was. We had a close call, but we have great friends to help us pick up all the pieces, and we’re going to be okay.

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5 thoughts on “Close Call

  1. I know terror and tragedy (of my own kind), and how that affects oneself. I also know both constant prayer and barren prayer. And even no prayer. What your post reminded me, though, is that to not just *feel* alive but to BE alive, I need to pray with joy, thanksgiving, awe, and wonder.

    Thank you for that.

    I’m so sorry you and your loved ones had to go through another close call. You guys are all too familiar with them. Know that I’m praying for you all. Not just lip service, but for real.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Amen, brother!!! Besides…it’s already lost. We just need to trust in Him and be a little more patient. (I hate patience. lol)

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “Trust Him in your deepest sorrow, Trust Him when your strength is small, Trust Him when to simply trust HIM is the hardest thing of all”

    Remember, no matter what happens in this life, the end result is eternal life. We will all see ones we’ve lost again, in a joyous place.

    Like

    1. Thanks, Carlos. We’ve had it pretty rough the past year and a half, and things are starting to settle. It’s been a different experience than when we had another family tragedy. I’m writing a book about it.

      Liked by 1 person

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