A Letter On Behalf of the North American Goiter Association

To Whom it may concern:

We respectfully, yet firmly demand you cease and desist referring to goiters as “lovely lady lumps” in public discourse.

Goiters are a tragic disease which most frequently affects the poorest strata of humanity. Although we appreciate the jovial spin you are attempting to put on the disorder, and recognize keeping up spirits is helpful in recovery from any ailment, we must insist. Also, please do refrain from “whipping them real hard”, as it would likely inflame the already enlarged thyroid glands.

We’ve struggled to find our voice, to be hip. Your marrying the most prevalent of thyroid disorders with the rich street-patois of rapmusic is refreshing, but we feel it more so insufficiently reverent and not tight enough a focus on our target demographic. We attempted to skew younger in our marketing with out mascot, “Goity the Hyper Gland”, but many of our members found it in poor taste. They also did not like that we sent embroidered turtlenecks to boardmembers last Christmas. They were on sale, I protested, but to no avail.

Cordelia H. Larsen
President, North American Goiter Association


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