Something else to work on

I had a week off during the holidays, and something odd occurred- I didn’t get hungry as often and didn’t need as much food to feel full. I believe this was a reaction to the absence of work stress.

Something else odd occurred- Paloma had a stressful seizure last week. We called the paramedics after about an hour of seizing, they came, checked her out and left. It had seemed her seizure had ended. About an hour later she was still seizing, and started throwing up. She sometimes does this at the end of a seizure, but altogether, she vomited 4 times and was still having a seizure. We took her to the ER, they pumped her full of drugs, the staff was unfamiliar with her condition (not their fault, it’s thankfully rare) so we had to recount her entire origin myth. It was awful and exhausting.

Once she was stable around 7pm, I took the 2 older kids to grab food and take care of the animals. Hungry, bored kids in the ER are not fun, they get all needy and whiney. If I took them home they could watch something on tv about teenage girls trying their best to save the day, or are secretly mermaids who save the day, or win Master Chef Jr. to save their grandparent’s bakery with the help of her standoffish cousin and 2 besties (this is a thing) or something like that while I lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling. I decided we were getting Inn-N-Out. It wasn’t because I eat that way all the time, or I wanted a special treat. I do not love Inn-N-Out like most people. My actual thought process was: “I deserve it, and F-it, it can’t get any worse, what’s the point?”

Later, feeling greasy and shame-filled, with lingering raw onions in my teeth, I came to the realization: I have been self medicating with food, and I think I have since at least 5th grade.

Shit. This isn’t something I can ignore, like that mole on my neck that is staying the same size or the library fine which is low enough that I can still check out books.

If I don’t fix this, I’m going to have emotional and physical problems forever. I’ve been fatter than I should be since I was 11, with a few leaner seasons here and there. I’ve worked hard at my nutrition and exercise, but never really thought about how I feel about food or think about it.

My body doesn’t reflect the life I aspire to, but is an honest reflection of how I have been living. I’m moving toward being more outdoorsy. I just started rock climbing and mountain biking. I’m still in love with martial arts. I don’t want to be “skinny”, but I want to be able to do these activities. I know my extra bellyfat pulling my hips forward when I run aggravate/caused my sciatica and herniated disks which bring me considerable back pain. I don’t like it.

I assumed my previous attempts to move toward being more fit and with a healthier body composition failed because of time management, or discipline. Maybe I didn’t want it enough, or was a fundamentally lazy person. These things may all be true. Until I deal with my food baggage, I won’t make a dent. I’ll be perpetually doing the chacha of 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

I’m scared. I’m going to need help steering through this. I need experts and I need a plan. A strict diet and exercise regimen alone won’t work- just like how junkies in rehab don’t use because they don’t have access, and relapse when they do. This may be an addiction, or overlap with the same places in the brain where addiction lives.

I know how I eat can’t have a label/lifestyle designation. I was a vegetarian/vegan for a long time. And when I was eating healthy all the time at home, there were times I would cheat and eat crap quickly and in secret. Wendy’s junior bacon cheeseburgers, mostly, which I knew was not a formula for success.

I’m scared. I’m going to need help steering through this. I need experts and I need a plan. A strict diet and exercise regimen alone won’t work- just like how junkies in rehab don’t use because they don’t have access, and relapse when they do. This may be an addiction, or overlap with the same places in the brain where addiction lives.

And so I’m taking control. I need to be vigilant regarding when I’m seeking comfort-why? What’s driving it? Will food make it better? Is it scheduled meal or snack time? Can I make better choices, even if it takes more effort?

One thing which will has helped (since Monday) is planning and preparing meals in advance. This takes out the guesswork. I’ve eaten healthier small meals more frequently. Coincidentally, I hd 2 consecutive high-performance days( this is a separate blog post). I reduced carbs, and didn’t feel a blood sugar spike and plumett. I’m feeling pretty good.

I want to stay feeling good for a long time. I can do this.

 

 

 

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