I have this nasty streak of righteous indignation. I don’t know where it comes from, but it ties together with how I want to be seen being persecuted for being righteous/moral/upright. I want to be blameless, above the fray. It’s asshole behavior, make no bones about it. It’s the Nuremberg defense, it’s Ted Cruz’s melty smile, which is awful on people and great on Reuben sandwiches. I am aware of this gross need in myself and I want to kill it.
I suppose moral superiority was the only way I could be any sort of superior when I was younger. I wasn’t athletic, I was poor. I was smart, but a poor student. I suppose I wanted to be the best at something. Whatever. I don’t need to be superior, I never did. I’m not now, and I’m glad-I don’t think I could take that kind of pressure.
So I understand that part, and I’m dealing with it, but where’d I get the idea that rigidity is better? Was it a rebellion against my unstructured, libertine upbringing, like Ned Flanders being a super-square as a reaction to his freaky beatnik parents?
Yeah, I think that might be a part of it. But the worst part of all this is not that I internalized feelings of inadequacy, but that I projected it on to other people.
My heart could be harsh and legalistic. I was jerky, and hard to be around. For everyone who knew me in my 20’s, I’m so very sorry for being selfish and mean.
…And I’m ready to move on. I had a conversation with a friend about coping mechanisms and anxiety. I knew, but it was nice to be reminded I’m not the only person who struggles with the stress of being alive. My livelihood rests on my ability to put forward a reliable, dynamic representation of myself, which I think I can do authentically, without added extra layers annealed on. No one wants to work with a jerky sadsack.
So I’m going to
be better love myself into wellness.