The dentist explained they’d take a mold of my teeth, make a casting, repair the casting, remold and recast. They would then implant the fill-in material to correct my gapped front teeth.

“So, I’d have a mega tooth like a spacebar?” I asked. The hygienist laughed and covered her masked mouth, apologizing.

“No, we’d engineer a regular seam in there. It’ll look perfectly normal. You can still floss.”

“Gee, thanks. Flossing.”

I’ve had a gap in my teeth as long as I could remember, and I hate it. Most people have things about their bodies the dislike. I’ve always hated my gap- it makes me look silly, more like David Letterman da god than Isabella Rosselini. I’ve always wanted braces, but it’s never lined up right so I could make it happen. If I had nicer teeth, I’d smile more, and look less like a Simpsons character.

I’ve never done anything aesthetic like that before. I think if I could afford it, I would go full-on Kenny Rodgers. I would have everything done. I don’t fundamentally hate my face, but I think if I became accustomed to finding fault in it, I wouldn’t stop.

Why stop, you know? Why not go all in like that one tiger-faced dude? I love tigers, and am planning on getting a tattoo of one on my left arm. Maybe we could have a stageshow in Branson where we make trained Austrians do tricks.

My wife took the kids to the zoo when I was at work recently, and my middle one (6) was transfixed by the tiger. She started BJJ again, and asked for a patch of a mean-looking tiger for her gi. I said  “congrats, you made a weirdo” to my wife.

I’ll get my teeth fixed. I might get a mole on my face cut off, too, because I keep grazing it when I shave.

I think my mind is going in the direction I want it to be, and I’d like to be in better shape. My body is strong and can do cool things, and it’s mine, but still. I’m really struggling with that one.

Otherwise, I yam what I yam, and I’m okay with it.












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