Update

Howdy.

I had to launch an author’s website, www.davidguba.com, so between than, writing, and school, I haven’t been focusing on ABA. My apologies.

Today is my 1-year anniversary of leaving the military, or as I call it, when I was promoted from American Sergeant to English Major. I don’t regret leaving the service. I am still disappointed the AF didn’t pay me to get out and take that job I landed in Hawaii. If I had gotten out, though, I never would have gone to Utah, which I loved.

I did some travel last week, to Detroit for a training class. I did some travel and photography, which you can view on my  Instagram. I wasn’t able to get good pics, but I went to a hardcore show. Bloodclot features Jon Joseph from the Cro-Mags, Nick from Kyuss/Queens of the Stone Age, and Todd Youth. They played well, opening for Negative Approach. The audience didn’t crowdkill/hardcore dance, favoring a more traditional circle pt/push moshing. I had fun with it, twerking, pirouetting, making alligator jaws with my arms. I miss hardcore.

I’m taking some vacation time this week-we all need to catch up on sleep, and I’m looking forward to getting my nutrition back on track. Yoga, jiu jitsu, crossfit, maybe a few Muay Thai sessions if I can swing it.

I found out I have 2 more semesters to finish my degree than I thought, but that’s okay. It means I’ll start my Master’s a month later. Whatever.

What’s up with you?

 


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Day 17: A lovely hike

We went hiking yesterday, at the Fourth Of July Trail, about an hour and a half away, in Estancia, NM.

 

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On the way there we found a remote Sufi center in the small town of Torreon. We drove in, realized it was a compound, felt like we were encroaching, and left.

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We reached the trail, which is part of the Cibolo National Forest. The leaves had just turned, and it was an easy trail. There were pedestrian gated to discourage vehicles, which required me to take Paloma out of her stroller and pass the stroller under the wire.

I enjoyed being in nature, hearing the wind roar through the trees, playing with leaves, looking for tracks and scat.

It wasn’t perfect. I lost my temper at Selah’s pissy attitude, and smacked her on the back of her head. I shouldn’t have done it. I was upset at her for not controlling herself, which is exactly what I did.  I was wrong. We made amends and enjoyed the rest of the day.

It was a nice trip, and we enjoyed getting out and exploring. I’m looking forward to more adventures.

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A Late July Update

So no, in regards to my last post, we haven’t found a suitable place of worship just yet. I’m still not ready to give up, but with all the violence and BS happening around the World, I can feel my heart getting hard. I don’t want to be a bitter person. I talked to my dad last week about letting go of grudges and regrets, something I’ve been able to (mostly) do through meditative practices. He relayed he has always had trouble with it. For me, I saw it as intentionally defeating my ego and eliminating wasteful, unproductive habits and beliefs. We all program our brains differently, whether with intent or by accident. I decided I didn’t want to be mad at people who were jerks to me or constantly relive experiences where I failed to rise to the occasion. It surely won’t help me live in the present or be happy, and I think I’ve learned all there was from those experiences, so I discarded that junk like a holey old pair o’ drawers.

My first chapbook, Dravet Syndrome Blues, is written. I’m letting the poems air out and settle for a few days, then I’ll scrutinize them with red pen in hand, and revise. They won’t be too reworked- I want them to be not only GOOD, but an encapsulation of my current influences, experiences, and ability as a writer. I’ve solicited a little feedback, which has been helpful, but I have to just go or I will talk myself out of it. I’m working on layout and design at the moment. Design is not my strong suit, but that’s okay. I haven’t produced a physical product in forever (16 years or so), and I’m excited.

Speaking of books, I finally got around to reading Cormac McCarthy’s “All the pretty horses.” What a fantastic story, and McCarthy is able to write stark, laconic cowboy prose interspersed with flourished, descriptive passages in a way which is totally natural, without an air of contrivance.He’s not trying too hard-he’s just really that good. He is a living master.

Albuquerque is still magical.

I start work next week. I’m looking forward to it, but also not. I have enjoyed having little stress and no routine, but I am a person who very much needs a rigid routine. It will be a good addition to my life.

In addition to routine, I discovered that I also like taking risks and having adventures.  I’m writing this from a hotel room outside Denver. We drove 6.5 hours here so Lindsay and the oldest kid could go see Sufjan Stevens. It wasn’t a bad drive, but prior to realizing that our lives were finite and we were in charge of the character of our lives, I don’t know we would have done this. I want awesome experiences. I don’t hate road trips like I once did, and don’t get tired driving for more than 45 minutes, as growing up on an island is prone to induce.

So things aren’t perfect. I still hold on to old crap sometimes, and sometimes I’m grumpy and snap at the kids. Sometimes I don’t sleep well, and have learned there’s no wisdom in saying “I’ve never gotten sunburn on the tops of my feet”. Still, I think I’m in a good place, literally and figuratively. Seizures, and the threat thereof, are constantly lurking, and I never thought I could feel so dried up by someone else’s condition, but this in my normal. We have abundant moments, and are making stuff happen. I’ll take it.

 

Aside

Forward motion

Things are finally settling after our move- I feel like I’ve regained a sense of equilibrium and ritual.

In March, I got serious about wanting to live better. I sought professional help for my depression and PTSD. I’ve done a few counseling sessions and started medication, which has helped tremendously. I debated whether or not to share this, but I got help after being advised to do so by people who have shared their struggles with me. I feel I can do more help sharing, kind of like a mental health bodhisattva. I feel more resilient, but that is also due to getting more sleep at night and having better self-care habits.

We took a trip, driving to Portland and then flying to Hawaii. We started out trip to PDX the day after my blog post about communion. A friend posted a comment about the beauty of communion residing in the mystery. Right as I got the comment notification, we were driving through the rolling scrub hills of Eastern Idaho, and the song “Ride Captain Ride” by The Blues Image came on the radio. The refrain was:

“Ride, captain ride
Upon your mystery ship,
Be amazed at the friends
You have here on your trip.
Ride captain ride
Upon your mystery ship,
On your way to a world
That others might have missed.”

I enjoyed both destinations tremendously. I had not been home to Hawaii since 2007, so my dad had not met the youngest 2 of my little punks. We spent a lot of time with family. I wish we had done more with friends, but we were able to connect with a few people that are very important to us, and that was nice.It was a very restful trip for the most part, save for a little scare toward the end.

Iconic North Shore sign

Iconic North Shore sign

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