Note: This originally appeared on my Medium page.
Keisha opened the egg box of the vacant chicken coop, and saw a tiny man pooping in a feed tray. He shielded his eyes against the sun and yelled at her “Hey, do you mind? Whaddaya, some kinda pervert?”
“What are you doing in my chicken coop?” Keisha asked.
His eyes darted about. He cracked a half-smile. “What does it look like? I’m not knitting a sweater. I’m not in the joint no more, I wanna crap in peace without giant ladies or field mice watching me.”
Keisha thought it remarkable how deep his voice was, with such small vocal cords, and how he spoke like a cartoon character from New Jersey.
“What I mean is, why do you live here, in the chicken coop?”
“I (grunt) won it in a cockfight, fair and square.”
“There used to be cockfights here?”
“Just the one time. I stabbed that bastard in his liver, then slit his throat. Kept my distance as he bled out. What a mess! The hens split soon after that” he explained.
“They just up and left?” She asked.
“Yeah, flew the coop” he said, with another half-smile.
He grabbed a handful of woodchips to wipe himself. When he was done, as he walked over to his puddled cargo shorts, Keisha blushed when she saw his member. It was tiny, but in proportion to his body, an impressive appendage. He put on his shorts.
“So, listen lady, I guess you own the house now. I had it all worked out with the last people. Let’s be civil, okay? No coming by unannounced, and I won’t get in your way. Text me if you need anything, I’ll be doing the same. Keep any dogs or cats out of this part of the garden, especially cats. And I need a few things from you,” he said.
“Those tiny bottles of liquor-once a week I need a bottle of Dewar’s. I need a water, some melba toast, and Vienna sausage. The rest I get from the garden, or I barter with animals. Can you do that for me…I wanna say Carol? You look like a Carol”.
“Keisha, actually. Yeah, I can do that.”
“Okay, cool. Keisha, I’m having a little get together later, not for nothin’, it’s poker night, and my turn to host. We’ll keep it down and be done by ten-thirty at the latest. The frogs get belligerent past about then. Last time they picked a fight with the chipmunks, sheesh, wadn’t pretty. I’ll need you to take out the trash bags later. Not much. 1 or 2 of them Halloween baggies. In return, I’ll scare off any tweakers or raccoons that come around.”
“Tweakers come in the yard at night? Is this a regular occurrence?”
“Heh heh. Yeah. You ask a lot of questions. Welcome to Utah, toots.”